April 1, 2005::: Iowa Racing Updates

Posted Mar 31, 2005
12,057

Watch out for SKEWERS!

Welcome back for another insider look at our favorite time-killer, bike racing in Iowa! (Or is it bitching about it? (Yours truly gets a great on-bike workout every day and carpal tunnel responding to half the crap out there!)

USA Cycling Iowa Director Rick Paulos reminded us this morning that we're all just wasting our time trying to fill every nook and cranny of the season's calendar (sorry Conn) unless we have humungo prizelists. With his new executive directive, all races with prizelists under $10,000 are hereby cancelled and RAGBRAI is again Iowa's only cycling event, considered a race by many with aerobars.

The newswires have been hot today with new developments in our little community - READ ON!

1. Megan Elliott is picked up by Discovery::: After realizing the great potential of Iowa cyclist Jason "I'm not J-Mac" McCartney, Lance directed Johann to sign the current mountain bike pro to a Euro contract. "We realized we're a little light on our classics team and need a real leader. Hammond, Hincapie, Eki and Devolder can't do it themselves!

2. Mandatory Upgrade Rule Reinstated::: Luckily for Cat34 racers, Jim Cochran and Tracy Thompson have been upgraded for 2005. Unfortunately, they won't be racing at all in Iowa because of the impending season cancellation.

3. Mandatory Fred Rule::: If you show up at a race wearing a Pro (Fred) kit, you have to have a UCI-approved Safety Flag attached to your bike to warn other racers and spectators of your coolness.

4. ODEMWTIURWOATOBG I:::O-Dawg's Extreme Mid-Winter Trans-Iowa Unicycle Race Wearing Only A Thong and Oakley Beer Goggles (ODEMWTIURWOATOBG I) In the latest attempt for the 'mostest extremest' event in Iowa. Oakley Rob has decided to strip down to his skivvies and ride his enduro-uni cross-state in February. This event is to coincide with the annual drunkfest, er, bike ride, called BRR. A route map will be coming out soon, so you know where to avoid.

5. Blogs Pay Off!!! Ken Fuson, Des Moines Register Columnist, realized through investigation that most bloggists are either "(A) unemployed, (B) independently wealthy, or (C) no longer content to wait on hold to get their daily fix of attention from a radio talk-show host." (Click Here for the skinny!)

6. Downtown Des Moines Criterium Update::: After seeing that the Des Moines Marathon was held hostage for $40,000 of sponsorship money, Randy Catron told the city of Des Moines that without $10,000, a downtown bicycle race will not happen in 2005. No word if the City cares.

7. Conn Day Found Embezzling Budweiser Beer and Perkins Pies!!!! After years of building an impressive series of races that no one can pronounce and donating thousands of dollars to charity, it was realized through internal bookkeeping that Conn and Mark Guthart have been stashing away 'excess' prizes for personal use.

"I've noticed a 'hoppy and sweet' smell coming from the start and finish line for the past few races," said Montana resident Josh 'Nacho?' Tack. "Conn and Mark are so nice though, I won't believe it."

8. John Adamson exposed for using EPO!!! We've been wondering for years why Fast Johnny sits in his truck until the last minute before blasting out of the gates, ripping the legs off of Cat12s. At Kent Park, the curtain was raised after Paul Deninger opened the door to Adamson's truck and syringes and used packages of Bull Hormones fell out.

9. DQ exposes self to promote website::: Traffic has been lagging at Quixote Cycling, so Donny pulled a 'former-teen idol' and posted semi-nude pictures to his website. Unfortunately, it is reminding people to add the site to their personal blacklist.

10. 'Fast' Lane Anderson Finally Interviewed::: After endless complaints about not being interviewed on Bikeiowa.com for being the poster child for 'wasted potential', Anderson got his wish.

Bikeiowa::: Is there a glass ceiling in local bike racing?

Lane::: Yes. It is rediculously skewed towards high school, college or single men with a heckuva lot of time on their hands.

BI::: What is your answer to that imbalance.

LA::: I've recently left my wife, Kik, with the three kids, moved in with Cheryl Crow, and I can't tell you how much faster I've gotten.

BI::: All of that? So quickly?

LA::: Yeah, she's no Bret Michaels of Poison, but she is my Barenaked Lady.

BI::: Thanks for the interview - best of luck this season!

11. Mountainbiking is King Again!!! Since the USCF season has been summarily cancelled, Thad Neil and Chris Maharry have been working overtime to finalize the $100,000 IMBCS Series sponsored by Electrolux. Darth Neill breathes, "We'll gladly take you roadies to the darkside."

12. Cross Mafia All The Time::: The Godfathers of Cross and the DICE Boys have decided to follow Thad and Chris and promote a year-round series of cross madness, complete with beer gardens, live music and muddy courses. ROWYCO!

13. This is what XXX means!?!?!? Unfortunately, Lou Waugaman found out much too late the price of joining the XXX Racing Team in 2005 (after spurning offers from DMOS, EMU, MRT, ISU, KAOS and Discovery). XXX really means that a dozen Krispy Kremes are in the musette and it is really just the local chapter of Old Guys Who Get Fat In Winter Racing.

14. Midwest Rolling Thunder 2005::: Papa Bear Keith Wells has been training his neophytes well for 2005. Last night he took the kids out to Waterworks Park to heckle leisure cyclists and cuss out moving vehicles.

15. The Mosterly Reverend Kim West::: Ah, who cares... That's all for now - please don't hesitate to remind me of anything I've missed!