Well, shit! I mus’ be sum kinda dumbass! I done lost me a shoe an’ fer the life uh me, I ain’t got no idea where it done be. Maybe sum of you biker-types done ride by an’ picked it up.

Hearz duh geetus: I was walkin’ ditches last weekend (lookin’ fer cans, shrooms, an’ other shit) wit me bruncle Eudale. We wus jus’ on the outskirts of Redfield by that dang bike trail when I looks down an’ wouldn’t ya know it, I gots a shoe on one foot an nuthin’ but a sock on the uther. What the holy hell’s goin’ on, I yelled. I gots no idea how long I done been walkin’ like that! Wurse yet, it happens to me all the time.

Seein’ my trubble, Eudale stops in his tracks an’ whips out his half-drank bottle of Sneaky Pete and a l’il of that crazy weed. He was figurin’ we’d best be regroupin’ in order to find that missin’ shoe. An’ what better way to regroup than with a good ol’ buzz?

Well, we sat an’ drank an’ smoked an’ drank sum more. But fer the life uh me, I couldn’t ‘member wear I stepped or win dat bastard shoe cum off my foot. An’ after all dat booze an’ weed, I wuzn’t even shure what foot it was!

Aw, tuh hell wit it. But if yer out ridin’ yer bike an’ yuh happinz across a single shoe layin’ b’side the road out by Redfield or anywears else fer dat matter, it’s probly mine. I’d apresheate it if yood pick it up an’ return it.

I ain’t goin nowhere.

Later, Toby Smalls, Jr.