RAGBRAI's a G movie, with some XXX scenes

Fri July 28 2006
Posted Jul 28, 2006
11,801

KEN FUSON July 28, 2006 The first rays of the early morning sun peeked over the eastern horizon as I began my arduous task. One by one, the miles swept past, not as quickly as I would have liked, but the pace was steady. My spirits remained high. I could do this. Then, about the 20th mile, I hit the wall. My legs started to cramp. I tried to shift positions, but it didn't help. The sun turned cruel and unforgiving. And the hills ... so many hills! By the 25th mile, I felt disoriented. One cornfield after another - was I still in Iowa, or had I somehow crossed into Nebraska? My breathing became labored, my vision blurry, my dream of finishing this journey a distant mirage. I needed to carb up. And that's when I stopped the car. Why should I drive all the way to Sergeant Bluff to see the start of RAGBRAI when RAGBRAI would be coming to Waukee in a couple of days? So I turned around and waited. My mission was to answer the question: Is there sex on RAGBRAI? And, if so, who steers the bike? Some background: In 1980, then-Editor Michael Gartner of the Register and Tribune wrote a famous story called, "The after-dark side of RAGBRAI ..." Let me summarize Gartner's conclusion: By day, RAGBRAI is a wholesome celebration of small towns, fresh air and homemade pie. By night, it turns into a drunken sex orgy. Or something like that. (Interestingly, his disclosure, while creating a stir, seemed to make the event even more popular. You small towns planning summer festivals might keep this in mind to boost attendance.) I can neither confirm nor deny Gartner's account, although there is some speculation that what he interpreted as the smell of marijuana might have been people burning the newspaper to toast marshmallows. Even so, this dual-personality image of RAGBRAI has persisted, and being an investigative humor writer, I decided to see for myself. First, I should note how awkward it is to approach a sweaty, sunburned stranger who has been riding a bicycle for 80 miles and then ask if they have experienced any success hooking up. The responses tend to split evenly among: "Why? You lonely?" "Who did you say you were with?" "Security!" "In Waukee? Are you kidding?" It didn't take long to discover what I wanted - ribeye sandwiches. I mean, seeing people rub other people in public. But, alas, they all turned out to be professional massage therapists. I eventually discovered Richard Hobbs, 72, of Lucas, who was on his seventh RAGBRAI. He said the event has calmed down over the years. For those with amorous inclinations, he offered this helpful advice: "You'd have to take a good shower, anyway." More than anything else, RAGBRAI celebrates clever double-entendres. That's why Waukee volunteers were wearing T-shirts that said, "I got lei'd at Wau-ke-kee Beverage Garden." "It's a traveling freak show," explained Brian Schmidt, 45, of Salem, Wis., on his first RAGBRAI. He and the other members of Team Joy Ride (wink, wink) said the event is like any other gathering of 10,000 or so people. You can find what you want - the G, PG or XXX version. Kim Swanson, 29, of Chicago was too tired to look. "Considering that you're sitting on a bike 100 miles a day, there's not much sex on RAGBRAI," she said. Her husband, Troy, 30, nodded. A little sadly, I thought. It was time to go. For one thing, it was pouring rain. Just as I was concluding that RAGBRAI is more family picnic than a rolling romp on wheels, I walked past a giant bus. A young man in a bunny costume was relieving himself on the bus wheels as his friend wore an empty Bud Light container as a hat. There are limits to investigative humor reporting. I didn't want to know what happened next on that bus. Besides, I'm focused on my next assignment: the after-dark side of the Iowa Board of Regents. Reporter KEN FUSON's column appears on Friday. He can be reached at (515) 284-8501 or kfuson@dmreg.com.