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The Life

  • Posted Aug 6, 2001

Tips for a better "Biker Lifestyle"

If you're doing it right you aren't a mountain biker just while you're on a mountain bike. It's like being black or white (or whatever) or boy or girl or young or old. It's what you are even when you aren't thinking about it. These tips are about that. --The best tropical drink in the world is called a "Ray's Mistake," and it is served at the Tiki-Ti Lounge on Sunset Boulevard, in Los Angeles. It was at this bar that mountain biking was first invented by "Luau" Don Raines in 1958. You can look it up. Be nice to Ray if you go there, he's old and doesn't need crap from you.

--The sleeper hold is far more effective than the DDT when wrestling a large opponent, though the DDT can work well if you're strong enough to hoist your opponent above your head.

--Change out of your muddy clothes as soon as you can remember your name after a race. Only posers parade.

--Learn to layer according to the weather.

First Layer - light, snuggy fabrics that wick. This can be bike shorts, a jersey, or some kind of polypro shirt and long johnnies. The idea is to get sweat away from your body so you don't overheat, or feel wet and chilly.

Mid Layer - insulators that trap warmth but still transport your wet smelly sweat outward. These can be heavier, long-sleeve jerseys or shirts made of fleece, synthetic wools (natural wools are a drag to wash), or other fabs that make you swoon when you stroke them. I skip the mid layer unless the temp dips into the 20s, there's an especially nasty wind, or I know it's going to snow or sleet. Then I sandwich it between the first layer and the shell.

Shell - something to keep the elements out. Depending on conditions this can range from a lightweight water- and wind-repellent jacket to a full-on Gore-Texish suit of armor. Look for vents such as armpit or side zips and two-way chest zippers, and snuggable wrist, neck, and waist closures. You want lots of ways to customize your internal climate.

--When your head starts exuding a funk like day-old roadkill remove your helmet pads, put them in a sock, and wash 'em. Cannibals will have a harder time tracking you through the woods, and your riding friends will appreciate your new spring-fresh odor.

--Retro wool jerseys are fab-until you accidentally shrink-dry them down to the size of Ken and Barbie. Here's how to unshrink a wool jersey: Mix two tablespoons of baby shampoo in one gallon of lukewarm water. Soak for ten minutes, then blot the excess water off with a dry towel. Lay the jersey flat on a fresh towel. Slowly and gently reshape it back to its original size. Dry it away from heat and sunlight. Now go work on your thumbshifters.

--To dry your shorts fast, roll them in a towel. Keep rolling up, unrolling, squeezing the towel out, and rolling again.

--Buy the best book ever written about cycling. Most of us should be able to read it in a single day: "Curious George Rides a Bike." It's by H.A. Rey, who might be related to Hans. It's only six bucks, too.

--If you have a non-mountain-biking lover, consider this handy alternative to the traditional marriage arrangement: Sign a marriage contract that runs for five years, with an option to renew at the end. This way if your spouse hates mountain biking you can part ways without the usual hassle.

--You only clean your $8-million Oakleys with the special bag, right? So why is there a scratch across the pretty mirrored surface? You forgot to wash the bag. Dirt and nasty particles embedded in the bag can scrape your lens.

--Spoon some baking soda, wa-wa and rice into your CamelBak, then close the bladder and shake it until it seems like time to stop. The abrasiveness of the rice will scour the inside spotless, and the baking soda does something else good. Secretly empty the mess into your friend's CamelBak at an opportune moment.
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