This trail is a blast
(I hope you have good medical insurance)
I think I might have a flat tire
(Slow down, will ya?)
I definitely have a flat tire
(Help me change it)
I don't have a low enough gear
(I've gained 5 pounds)
I've decided to buy a lighter bike
(I've gained 10 pounds)
I'm taking up clog dancing
(I've gained 25 pounds)
I'm carbo loading
(Pass the ice cream)
I'm tapering
(I haven't ridden in 2 months)
The rebound was off, so I modified the damping. But then the elastomers were too dense, so I changed the oil and got rid of the stiction
(I have a new suspension fork and you don't!)
If you're a good bike handler, you don't need to wear a helmet
(I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me)
Nobody needs a dual-suspension mountain bike
(I can't afford a dual-suspension mountain bike)
Dual suspension is the only way to go
(I just dropped 3 months' salary on a dual-suspension mountain bike)
She's a hammer
(She's faster than me)
He's a geek
(I'm faster than him)
I boinked
(All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ and a moldy Twinkie)
If you don't crash, you're not going fast enough, dude!
(I crash a lot)
I don't own a car
(I'm a better person than you)
Why doesn't somebody do something about all these potholes ?
(Why doesn't somebody else do something about all these potholes?)
I do all my own bike maintenance
(When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears)
Thanks for waiting
(Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face)
Hey, did you guys hear about those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?
(I am a very lonely person)
This section of trail looks doable
(You first, sucker)
I want to ride my bike to work, but...
(I don't want to ride my bike to work)
He's such a wheelsucker.
(I can't drop him)
She's always half-wheeling me.
(I can't keep up with her)
The town-line sprint is 100 yards beyond the next bend
(The town-line sprint is 200 yards beyond the next bend)
Been riding much?
(How fit are you ?)
Not much. You?
(My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14)
Nah, I've been really busy.
(My body fat is 2%)
Well, let's take it easy today.
(Ready, set go!)
Hold on, there's something wrong with my bike.
(Let's stop so I can rest)
My tires suck!
(This climb is killing me!)
Can you clear that drop-off?
(I can, but I bet you can't)
It's getting dark.
(I wanna go home)
This bike is a piece of shit!
(I can't ride worth shit)
I think I broke my arm.
(There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore)
I'd jump that but I don't want to tweak my new rims.
(I'm too chicken to try)
This hill is easy.
(This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it)
That trail is boring.
(I know I can't make it)
Last one down is buying.
(I'll make you feel like a loser and get a free beer too!)
My bike was acting funny.
(Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!)
He's pretty good.
(I know I'm better than him)
He sucks!
(He's better than me)
That thing's a piece of shit.
(I wish I had one...)
Scott Martin